I’ve always felt like the infighting and judgments between women were very much due to insecurity about the decisions within our control. Women who have choices and feel secure in their ability to make them, don’t judge others for theirs.
And the same feels true for how women perceive the judgment of others. I have a friend who will call me to vent about this anytime someone discusses making a parenting choice different than her own. It’s not that these other people are judging my friend’s choices (they’re clearly just making the best decisions for their own families that they can with the time and resources they have), but my friend feels like she’s being criticized because she’s not particularly secure in her own parenting decisions.
Unfortunately, as you so perfectly point out, we are not conditioned to feel that sense of security, and so mistrust and defensiveness are the natural results. Hoping for a time we can all move past this and support each other so we can all succeed as women.